Obsessive Ex Syndrome

SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES OF CASES INVOLVING CHILDREN

1. THE EXCUSE

Obsessors use children as a cover for Obsessive behavior.  Stalking and harassment can be done under the guise of "necessary" contact for visitation, etc.  Outsiders assume that the Obsessor's behavior is "normal" or "necessary" because of child contact, and so outsiders do not understand or recognize the way the ex-partner is victimized by excessive, unnecessary, harassing contact.

2. MORE VICTIMS

Obsessors sometimes manipulate, lie to, or hurt the child simply to punish the ex-partner.  Whenever an Obsessive Ex case involves a child, there is another innocent victim of the Obsessive Ex behavior.

3. THE LIFE SENTENCE

Obsessors have the best chance of recovering from their obsession and moving on in life if the ex-partner is successful in cutting off all contact.  If there is child custody and visitation involved, the ex-partner is usually unable to cease all contact, and the Obsessor is constantly presented with new stimuli that renews their obsession.

Personal accounts: Cases Involving Children
The below data was collected via this website's anonymous survey.

Obsessive Behavior:
-Parking his car outside my house and leaving it there for weeks
-Phoning and leaving nasty messages constantly
-Nasty letters to my mother
-Trying to turn the childrens' minds against me
Two and a half years later after many court procedures, the last one being his getting done for misuse of the telephone, I one day stood my ground and pretended to show no fear, although I was actually terrified.  The obsessive behavior finally ended.

I blocked him from seeing when I was online. He asked others to look out for my name on their buddy list and would track me into chatrooms, etc. After visitation with our son, he follows me home to make sure I'm going there. He asks inappropriate questions about my habits, where I've been, etc. He's driven by my father's workplace, my home, my workplace. We have a flurry of hangup calls at our house since the breakup.

He threatens me, blackmails me with video and photos of us during sex, threatens to ruin family and friends' lives. Threatens to kill me. He threatens to kill himself. He calls family and friends every day several times and bothers everyone in my life. He tells my children details of our former intimacy.

He uses the children to try and control me. He continues to stalk me. He actually went online and contacted [my boyfriend] and asked about our sexual relationship. He has our children believing that I am crazy.

I am recently divorced, and I should have seen this coming, as we were married he showed a lot of these signs in the relationship, the biggest problem I have is he displays up to stage 5 but yet is seeing someone else too. I don't want any contact with him but it is hard since he does get visitation with our daughter, he brings her in the middle by asking her questions about me all the time. I am at wits end with him and this harassment has to stop. He is in counseling so he says, and I am about to bring my daughter and myself into it also. He calls all day long, my home, my work and my cell. He works for a utility company local here and has access to driving all day wherever he wants. So he chooses to come by my work, house and even the gas station where I may be at the time just getting a soda. He tries to get to know my new neighbors and friends, only to find anything out about me, and if I am dating he considers it a betrayal and threatens to hurt the person if they are ever around his daughter. I have a full restraining order on him but you know how that goes, they don't care about a little piece of paper especially if you don't use it. My friends and family are scared of what he might do. I find that if I cut him off totally he gets worse. But that is what I am doing, making a stand against him, and let him know that I am not afraid of him, he has never been violent towards me, he just always wanted control and still wants it, and if he feels he has no control over me at all he goes nuts. He cries and then begs for me back, and then turns around and gets evil with his tongue, all in the same sentence. I am going to do just live my life the way I see fit and go on, and if that drives him crazy so be it. One day I hope he will move on and quit hanging on to hope that one day we may get back together.

Even now, after being divorced for more than 8 years, he continues to degrade and lie to my children (he has full custody) in regards to my lifestyle and my ability to parent them, "your mother does NOT care."  He is demented, thinks he controls everything around him. He is damaging what I hold most dear to my heart... my three children.
    I was displaced from my home and children. Thrown out like a bag of trash after being married for 10 long agonizing years. After seeking help for myself, therapy and support was a threat to him. Feeling empowered and knowing I would NOT tolerate his ways any longer. Knowledge is power. I know my children will grow to know the truth for themselves, someday.

He was calling late at night, coming over, refusing to accept responsibility for the real cause of the break up of the marriage, turning the children against me.  Turning friends against me, which ultimately backfired when they figured out he was insane.  Threatening me with lawsuit after lawsuit.  Enlisting his present spouse to do the same thing.  I COULD GO ON AND ON.  Making promises to do things, then twisting and spinning it to make me the bad guy. Making incident reports that I had nothing to do with, but the inference is that I have done something unlawful (I didn't even know about them until a recent court case).  Putting out a restraining order on me re his property (I've only been there twice in two and a half years, to get my child for visitation).  Enlisting his parents to stalk and harass me when he could no longer risk it on his own.  On and on and on...

The husband had an affair with a woman he met on internet. Wife discovered the affair, and with help of local police, husband was asked to leave residence. Husband moved in with affair partner. He was allowed access to house as a co-owner, and bugged telephone lines as a means of "maintaining control" of ex-wife and living situation with the child. He also installed spyware on computer in order to monitor her e-mails. Wife filed and was granted a divorce. He would drive by residence and park outside home in order to spy on ex-wife to ensure she was not involved with another man. His motivation for these activities were not to uncover evidence to be used in divorce case, but were admittedly because of jealously that wife/ex-wife might find another partner. Wife had had no other partners neither during the divorce nor for several years thereafter.  Husband has re-married to affair partner and stalking has slowed considerably, though now under the guise of "looking out for best interests" of minor child.

My ex-husband used to use methamphetamines quite often and would get very possessive and paranoid while under the influence. After I had him to move out, he wants to know where I go, what I do, who I see, who I have talked to and so on. When he says he's coming over to see the kids, he checks my caller id, goes through papers on my desk, and searches my ashtrays and porches for any different kind of cigarette butts. When I get annoyed, mad, or nervous, I break out in hive-like rashes on my neck. He stopped by one morning before we went to work, I got tensed up and broke out, he swore I had a hickey and proceeded to make a scene.

He wants total control, he refused the divorce, has used the kids as pawns to seek revenge towards the mother, to ONLY have a sitter raise the kids, when the mom is a stay-at-home mom.

Obsessive behavior:
-Calling over and over again.
-Leaving 20 plus messages in one day; all of which had to cut him off, he would then recall and finish his "Conversastion" on my message machine.
-Using our daughter as an excuse to get me on the phone.
-Saying I need to see a counselor (after he called 20 plus times in a row).
-Always trying to throw things back in my face and twisting my words around.

My estranged spouse opens and reads my mail, intercepts my e-mail and telephone calls, interferes with my professional life by calling clients and colleagues, comes in the house as if it is still his own, refuses to leave, roams through the house, opening closets and drawers; rummages through my papers and files; calls me "wife" and attempts sexual advances despite the fact he is living with another woman and was the first one to file for divorce...
     Husband announced that he was ending our marriage (I found out he was having an affair with a client). For several months, he continued to go out with other woman and climb in our bed, expect that I would cook him dinner, etc. He refused to move out or even sleep on the couch.
     After he finally left, he drove around with a gun in his car. I got an alarm system installed in the house, he ripped it out of the wall.
     I filed for a protective order, he took the children and would not tell me where they were until I dropped it.
     During divorce proceedings, he has continued all the behavior above. Lately, he has also dropped comments about his monitoring, says "I know everything" "I make it my business to know what is going on..." etc., He frequently comments on my activities "So you went to X store this morning" "you stopped by Y this afternoon, huh?" which leads me to believe he is either following or has a tracking device on my car.  He will rip open my mail, go into my car (e.g., when I was at church, he rummaged through my car in the parking lot).
     My estranged spouse also breaks, destroys or disassembles things in and around the house, then offers to "fix" them. For instance, he took apart a working pool pump, rendering it inoperable, then came over because he had to "fix" it.
     He inundates me with text messages and e-mails there will be periods with 100+ e-mails or text messages in a few weeks, then it will stop, then start back up again.

Thank you for posting the site. I wish I would have read it 8 years ago. That's how long my ex has been stalking, harassing, kidnapping our daughter, etc., etc. You name it he's done it and he keeps getting away with it. He fits your profile perfectly. I even realized some new signs from the beginning. God bless you doing it, I hope it helps someone. Maybe someday when he finally kills us you can post it on your site. I hope it would save at least one bright ambitious girl from ruining the rest of her life.

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