Obsessive Ex Syndrome
More personal accounts: Male Obsessor/Female Victim

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He was a very non-violent boyfriend, but also very obsessive. After 3 weeks he wanted to marry me and always told me how he couldn't go on without me. When we broke up he followed me around classes, tried to get information on me from my friends and started doing serious drugs. It's now in stage 5, three months after the break-up. He told my friend that he bought a gun and would kill her if she told me of it. He also told her that he would kill me if I ever said anything about him to anyone.

We separated after he had an affair and he basically went up to Stage 4. I was worried that it was going to get violent, so I went back to him. I am going to start divorce proceedings again soon. (He is emotionally abusive too.) I am a little worried about how far it will go this time, but I need my happiness.

Threatened suicide, excessive phone calls in the early early a.m., sending flowers, following, filing false police report about having been in a bad accident, claiming to have had a heart attack, claiming to have cancer, trying to get social security disability benefits taken away by falsely reporting other income, libel through the courts, filing frivolous motions through divorce court, just to name a few over a period of 7 months - divorce still not finalized.

Talking to friends, stalking, spreading rumors, trying to get sympathy, keep wanting to talk about it. Friends can't seem to see this.

Multiple attempted suicides (also diagnosed bi-polar), constantly driving by and around my house, he worked for a phone company and was able to track all phone calls, change my voice mail passwords to check my vm's, get into my email accounts, etc.
    The end is still to be determined. I finally got a PPO and it was delivered yesterday.

My friend is trying to move out of the house she was living in with her boyfriend because they broke up and he is completely out of his mind. He is threatening to hurt her dogs and has even let them loose to run away and get picked up by animal control. He does this because he knows that when animal control finds them they won't hesitate to put them down, they already have 2 strikes against them because of this and one more means they will be put down. Luckily we have been able to find them after the last two times, and we are moving her stuff out right now.

My ex harassed me for 3 years after our breakup.  During the time he 'annoyed me', he would call at all hours, wait outside my home, climb in through the windows, refuse to leave when I asked him to, showed up at my work, and even called my parents interstate to try and get information about me (he has never met them).  He was never violent but I never knew when or where he would appear.  I eventually put a 2 year restraining order on him - which he breached 3 times before I finally called the police.  During the periods of the intervention order, I moved house, bought a new car, and changed jobs.  Basically he wouldn't take no for an answer even with an intervention order.  
    He called for the last time (at least I am hoping it is the last time) around June this year. I threatened him with violence, another intervention order, and I told him that I was now married and had a child (all lies).  I do not know if he will call me again, his past behaviour warrants he will, even though the last time we spoke he said he wouldn't be bothering me again.

1. Constant questioning of why it took 45 minutes to walk dog, why she had to go alone to walk the dog.   2. Threatened suicide and lied about talking an entire bottle of Zoloft to get her back.

During stage two, he threatened to beat me up if I ever spoke to another man while in his presence. He first started pushing me. I broke up with him. He promised that wouldn't happen again, and I reconciled with him, (only to have it escalate into slapping me). I finally broke up with him for good, and he constantly threatened to commit suicide if I didn't come back to him. I stuck to my decision, and then a few months later (out of the blue), he showed up at my Mom's house, broke in her locked screen door, chased me up a flight of stairs and badly beat me up, then pulled the telephone from the wall in an attempt to prevent me from calling for help. As he left the home, he put his fist through a glass window. For months following the attack, he stalked me, even chasing a bus I was on (public transportation) down the street as he yelled my name. He stalked me in school - constantly asking for an opportunity to talk with me.
    The obsessive behavior ended when my mother threatened to call the police and have him arrested (because at the time I was 15 and he was turning 19).
    He attempted to contact me by phone three years later when I was headed to college. He told me that had seen a psychiatrist and had gotten himself together. I told him that I was happy that he got himself together, but firmly told him that there was absolutely no hope of us ever being together again. His response to that was to cry and beg over the phone. I hung up on him. I did not hear from him or see him until about 10 years later when he angrily walked past me as though I was air - a relief to me. I think the only thing that spared me is that I was with my husband at the time. I was still afraid. I am now 44 years old and haven't see him in years.

I was young and dating a guy that I of course thought was wonderful. After a few months the relationship started getting in a bad way, lots of fights at first they were just screaming, then he started hitting and getting very violent. I decided that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted so I left. He of course would apologize and things would be fine so I would go back to him and the "fairytale" he promised. The last fight we had he kicked me in the head with brand new sneakers which are very hard and be put me in the hospital in ICU. I got out of the hospital and moved home and met an incredible man and we got married and started our lives together, but the ex continues to harass me at work and would not let go of the relationship. He would have females call my parents' home and get my phone number then he would call and threaten me and my family.
    We ended up leaving the state and almost losing our families because they were the ones unknowingly helping the ex to find us. Thankfully the families understood and stopped releasing our information to callers, even though they thought before they were being helpful.

He is a university professor and didn't really take the relationship seriously. (cheated, lied constantly) Then after a 'normal' breakup we got back together and he decided he was 'in it for the long haul' said he was 'messed up' previously and couldn't explain why he didn't appreciate me--but he has changed. I never really beleived it, and I was right. He lied to me about going to the bar, and since he was caught his behavior went right back to the difficult self.
     One day he was acting weird and I had just had it so I called a guy to come and get me from his house (he threw a drinking glass and it shattered near me) I ran out of his house and went with the guy. I then got very afraid and for some stupid reason I went back to his house thinking that the sooner I went back, the less damage he would do to me. When I returned, I remember thinking 'I wonder why both of his cars are parked on the street?' I soon realized that he had 'blocked' my car by putting one of each of his vehicles behind and in front of my car--his cars were literally touching mine so I couldn't leave. He came in the yard and was screaming that I was a whore and then was swinging a log at the dog that started barking at him. I said I was calling the police and he wrestled the cell phone out of my hand and threw me down on the ground. Then he took my keys and the phone, went in the house and locked me out. It was freezing cold outside and I couldn't even get into my car. I was screaming that I just wanted my keys so I could sleep in my car -- it was awful and humiliating to hear myself saying that. I began banging on his back door when all of a sudden the small pane of glass shattered. I thought I was dead for sure -- He came storming out screaming that now HE would call the police and tell them I was breaking and entering and they would arrest me. He started laughing at me. I didn't see any other way but to rush past him, into the house, grab my keys (he's pretty obsessive compulsive so i was sure they'd be hanging on the designated hook that he insisted all keys be hung on) and run out the front door. I rushed past him, but I only made it to the futon in his living room. He was screaming that I had pushed him down the stairs and he dove on me and started choking me. I thought he would kill me. Finally he stopped and went into the basement. I thought it was completely odd and then I remembered that he had a bunch of tools down there because he was fixing it up. I became terrified and at the same time was thinking it was all so terribly unreal. I stood by the front door and was on my way out when I saw him and he had a putty knife in his pocket. I asked as calmly as I could what he was doing and he smiled and said 'nothing' then he pulled out the futon and said 'just go to sleep' and it sounded like a dare and was so scary. I said "I am afraid of you" and I ran out and got in my car and started it up for heat, although he had me blocked in so I couldn't leave. He banged on the glass then went in the house and grabbed my stuff and started throwing it at me I opened the door of the car to pick up my stuff.
     In the morning, figuring he had sobered up, I called him from my cell phone and asked to use his bathroom and asked if he would like to help clean up the lipstick that was all over my car because he had written all over it. I also wondered where did he get lipstick? He responded that I was a problem because all he wants is for me to let him sleep. He also said that I was 'never locked out' and he really believed it. I got out of there.
     He has called me hundreds of times. The day I left his house I picked up the phone once, he tried to argue with me, he said I owe him money or have t-shirt of his, any excuse to force me to have to see him. I told him he had choked me, that was the last straw, I was done with the relationship. I hung up the phone. he left countless messages saying he would burn my stuff, I was a slut, he regrets every second he spent with me. Then he would e-mail me like nothing happened and ask if I wanted to go out to dinner. It was so strange, he should have realized that I wanted no contact with him. He was back and forth between loving me and hating me. Then he left a voicemail and said he was 'sorry for the way he reacted' and that after all he's put me through he guesses he 'has to expect some of that' from me. He totally minimized his attack on me and seemed to think I has 'asked for it.' Then he called repeatedly and once the phone rang pretty late at my house so I grabbed it instinctively because my mother was sleeping and it was him. I told him it was over, he asked in a very serious way why I didn't call back after he said he was sorry. He sounded so offended that I didn't think that was the greatest thing in the world and really believed that if I was rational then all would be better and our relationship could move on. He even said 'I don't want our relationship to be like this' I said we don't have one anymore.
     He has showed up at my house and when I refused to let him in he has called my cell phone and said 'why are you doing this?' like he really believes I am the one doing something. It has been a week, and the phone calls have been constant. I went over an old boyfriends house last night and stayed the night. I played some saved voicemails from the stalker for him and he was a little mixed about it -- but concerned (one of the voicemails threatens that he will break into my house like 'I did to his house' because he is still convinced that I am the bad guy ). I had countless phone calls from him--I just leave my cell phone off now. Then when my old boyfriend went to work this morning the stalker called HIS cell phone and asked for me--it is so creepy because I can't figure out how he got the number. My old boyfriend said 'don't tell that guy where i live.' Then I came home this morning and found an e-mail that said 'I guess since your phone isn't accepting my calls I will have to wish you a happy valentines day this way...attached was a picture of me naked and sleeping. I never knew he had that picture and wonder how many others he has as I do sleep nude and apparently he has been sneaking around with a camera--it gets scarier every minute.
     Today when he called, before I found the e-mail, I picked up the phone and said 'if you call me again I'm calling the cops, I've had enough' and hung up. He called right back and left a message saying he 'wants his money' I am not even sure what he's talking about he always makes things up and believes himself.
     He hasn't called for a few hours, but now I am afraid he is going to hurt my dogs. I am an animal lover and I am sure he knows that what would really 'get me' is hurting one of my dogs. I remember in the sane days we spent together that i told him about a case when I worked at the humane society where a guy was sick of a barking dog in the neighborhood so he soaked some dog food in antifreeze and threw it over the fence, the dog ate it and died. That is the type of thing he would remember right about now so I go outside with my dogs when they need to go out.
     I am supposed to go to my friends house tonight but am afraid because he will probably be driving around looking for my car and I don't want to involve any more people.

The woman was a successful career woman to owned her own home and car and was well established.
    He swooped in all charming and encouraged her to marry him. After the marriage they moved to another state where his family lived, over 1400 miles from her family and friends.
    Once living in his state he became very possessive and did his best to isolate her from other people. He would only permit her to visit with his family and friends and only with him present. As he surrounded himself with people just like him, he and his friends and family would isolate her from the group as an outsider and wouldn't respect her social contribution even to the point of ignoring her altogether or telling her flat out that she has not idea about... fill in the blank. He began threatening her, hitting walls and other objects and road-raging with her in the vehicle in an effort to intimidate her and gain control.
    The man eventually quit his job because he didn't like having a boss (he had problems with authority) and she became the sole breadwinner for the family but, he was in charge of the money. She did not write checks and was not allowed to use her debit card to make purchases or to withdraw money. If she did he would yell at her for hours. She was even required to have direct deposit so she would never touch any money.
    He did not have a steady job and although he chose not to work, he resented her because she was the breadwinner and he was not contributing. He blew through their $11,000 savings and an inheritance he received totaling over $45,000 on trips to resort locations and on lavish dinners for he and his friends. She was never once invited but when the money was gone he blamed her for the loss of his inheritance and yelled at her about it often.
    He finally decided that he wanted to go to school and felt that they needed to live somewhere with a lower cost of living. They returned to the home she owned before the marriage (it had been rented out). He finally got a job serving tables because she had to take a large pay cut when they relocated. His abusive behavior escalated and even resulted in him threatening to kill her in front of witnesses.
    When he was accepted into a University that was a long commute from the home, he told her he was going to quit his job if she did not sell her non-community property home and buy something closer to his school. As she had lost her job due to lay-offs earlier in the month she felt that she had no choice. She found a very good job close to where he went to school and used her personal money from the sale of her home to buy a new house. He and the escrow officer told her that once they got married she no longer had any personal property (this was not true) so she went ahead and put him on the title and loans as she had been told by various professionals (not an attorney however) that she had to.
    Once they moved into the new home she was closer to her friends and family and began spending more time with them while he was out partying with his friends. He finally told her that she was not to leave the house. She was to always be available to him. He would even stand in front of her so she couldn't leave, even for work, without a huge fight.
    He took a few trips to visit his family because he just couldn't stand to be around her. When he came back from one of his trips he demanded that she write him a check for the liquid balance of the sale of her home that was worth many thousands of dollars and he took her debit card to the joint checking account and her credit card. She gave in because she feared for her safety. Two days later she had divorce papers completed and she asked him to sign. He did but after he became so threatening the police had to be called.
    He left to go back to visit his family two days later. She changed the locks and turned the divorce paperwork in.
    He continued to stalk her at work and through her cell phone records. She had to change her number and she told him that if he didn't stop stalking her she would have to get a restraining order.
    He wound up hiring an attorney to take the balance of the marital assets (he had taken all of the assets except a bedroom set and a coffee table) and he sued for the remaining equity in the home that he had lived in for 1 month. 100% of the money had come from the sale of her personal property.
    She had to hire an attorney and get a restraining order, which has done no good as the authorities really can't enforce them unless he does something to her physically.
    She may have to fight his battle for the rest of her life as he has no respect for authority and feels that he is entitled the world just because he is.

My ex would say awful things and manipulate me into seeing him and feeling sorry for him when I broke up with him. He would call and call sometimes 18 times in one night, and wait for me outside of my job to plead with me and come to my house and stalk me. A couple of times that I would agree to meet with him to end things in person I would be forced to have sex against my will and then he would threaten to kill my new boyfriend and himself and he would proceed to tell me he hoped I would feel guilty if he died.
    The obsessive behavior ended when I finally exposed his behavior to his sister, who finally made him realize what a psycho he was being.

She wanted the relationship to end but kept on giving him chances. But she finally decided to end the relationship, but he was and is completely obsessed with her. She finally got out a restraining order against him and as of this date I don't know if he has let her alone or not. Only time will tell.

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