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Obsessive Ex Syndrome
Personal accounts from people who were Obsessors
The below accounts were collected via this website's anonymous survey.
This is probably an unusual response in that I was the obsessive ex male.
I
couldn't accept that the 3-year relationship was over. We tried to be friends,
but that made it worse. She finally ended the relationship after I accused her
of wasting three years of my life. There were a lot of factors to the break-up,
her stealing from me, my refusal to make the changes she asked of me, her
emotional manipulation and abuse, etc. I'm not trying to place blame on the
relationship ending, but I am to blame for continually trying to contact her via
e-mail, phone messages, and letters/notes. Part of it was me trying to get back
certain possessions of mine, but a lot of it was misguided anger. I was trying
to get her to hate me, to try and erase all the happy memories we had. We also
live two buildings away from each other so we keep seeing each other a lot.
I
don't think I was stalking her in that I wasn't trying to keep track of where
she was going, I didn't try to contact her friends or family, I didn't spread
rumors.
I did try to contact her at one point, under an assumed identity because
a friend of mine had just passed away and I wanted some friendly words with my
ex, even if she didn't know it was me. It was wrong, though, and I am not making
excuses. There were some threats to humiliate her, but that was because of her
refusal to return possessions and her then-boyfriend, a police officer, was
harrassing me and I was afraid to go to his superiors with it, so I threated to
expose pics of her to her family. Again, no excuses, I was wrong (though the
harrassment did stop after that!). I am guilty of contacting her repeatedly. I
admit that. I cannot stress how wrong it was, especially trying to rob her of
our happy memories.
This obsessive behavior finally ended after my contact via an
alias and she took me to court to get a restraining order. The judge ruled that
I was not stalking her, but that I did harass her via e-mail. I have a two-year
restraining order against harrassment. I have not tried to contact her since the
court date, and I have been in therapy with a psychologist. It is over. I accept
that now. I regret what I did and I can only hope that I didn't destroy too much
of what we had. I wish peace and happiness for everyone who has been a postive
part of my life.
[Female Obsessor:]
Even though he said he wanted to break up with me, I did not want to
accept it. I always thought there was a way to somehow "patch
up" the relationship, based on how many years we had been together
and all that we had shared. I needed to realize that it just wasn't
so. I was almost numb to anything that he could have ever said to
me. I eventually found out the he had been seeing another girl and keeping
it from me. I wanted to patch things up even more, I wanted him to love me
as much as I loved him and with the same intensity as the beginning of our
relationship. But now I realize that that is just not so.
[The obsessive behavior ended when...] Family and friends warned me
of a potentially abusive and dangerous situation. And I did not contact
him again.
[Male Obsessor:]
I was the obsessor. It's hard for even me to believe 'cause I'm a completely
different person now. Back when I was in college (15 years ago), I was so in
love with my ex, it became sick. When she broke it off, I'd call her house just
to hear her voice (prior to caller I.D.) then hang up. I'd drive past her house
at all hours of the night hoping to get a glimpse of her. Toward the end I
decided to leave town, but not before toying with a sick idea.
There was an abandoned school directly beside my apartment.
My friends and I would often get drunk and break into the place. I knew no one
ever came in other than us. It occurred to me that I could easily kidnap my ex
(she didn't even have a driver's license so she walked everywhere) tie her up
and torture her sexually in the old school. No one would even hear her screams
because the place was huge. I never could figure out in my fantasy what I'd do
with her after that.
Thank God, I recognized the sickness of realizing such a
thought before I went too far.
The obsessive behavior ended when I realized how sick I had
gotten and started dating full force again. And moved to another end of the
country.
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