Obsessive Ex Syndrome  

 

 

Obsessive Ex Syndrome
Personal accounts of cases: Female Obsessor/Male Victim

The cases below represent typical OEX cases and typical endings.  (The media does not bother to report on the many lesser crimes of early OEX stages.  Most cases of Obsessive Ex Syndrome do not reach Stage 6.)  The below data was collected via this website's anonymous survey.

I was in a relationship which I ended because she couldn't control her jealousy of any of my female friends whom I'd formed purely platonic friendships. She was also highly temperamental as well - bad combination!
    Anyway, she wouldn't take no for an answer and it was 3 or 4 years before she finally accepted it was over. Phone calls, e-mails, you name it. The nadir came when she lied to me about being pregnant so I would return (she lived overseas). Other than that, there was nothing abusive or nasty about her behaviour so I guess I was lucky in that sense. She was genuinely in love and the whole thing was very hard on her.
    Funny thing is, we are actually still friends although I suspect she's hoping I will return but she's not being pushy about it.
    The obsessive behavior ended when she gradually accepted that it really was over and I wasn't going to return, especially after making it clear she'd lost my trust following her lie about being pregnant.

Extreme jealousy and hatred of the new girlfriend - to the extent of damaging property. Double standards (it was ok for her to hook up, but not him).
    The obsessive behavior ended when she was prosecuted for criminal damage to the girlfriend's car.

Constant phone calls, visits, and threats.  The behavior ended when I moved where she could not find me.

Her obsessive behaviors:
    Denial of loss. Can't obtain a picture other than the vision they want to see.
    Felt promises made were promises not to be broken.
    Plays songs on radio stations to let the world know you are theirs forever.
    Bought gifts of value to prove they were still there.
    The obsessive behavior ended when:  Phone change and up front with employer. He told his employer and they got a restraining order against her as she disrupted business. Court further granted restraining order to him and his dog.

    She stated she was pregnant 2 days after showing up to have "no commitment" sex, then threatened to sue me.
    She sent me a card saying she'd had an operation and died.
    She would pickup my team mates and accuse of rape.
    She was constantly calling or showing up at my work.
    She placed notes, photos, etc on my windshield.
    She forced me off road.
    She placed personal ads directed to me.
    She came into a bar and threw a Mars Bar at me.
    She used the police department to find personal info about me.
    The obsessive behavior ended after two years, after I moved and changed jobs. But she still sent me a letter ten years later by tracking down my license number.

She stalked my wife and I.  She attempted assault on my wife.  She had other people stalk us, ending in assault.

She contacted me after 13 years had passed since our break up. She'd popped up sporadically during the 13 years, but then revealed to me when she popped up again after 13 years that she knew where I lived, where I had previously lived, places I'd hung out at in the town I previously lived in, and have even attended a party I went to on New Year's Eve several years before. And all of this was while she was married, and so was I.
    The obsessive behavior ended when I cut off all possible means of contact with me - blocked emails, monitored phone calls, etc.
    I later found out she got divorced from her spouse, so I'm left to wonder if she'll show up again in the future.

OBSESSIVE EX SYNDROME
Stage 1: Courtship
- tests how much control can get over partner
Stage 2: Relationship - tries to maintain control
Stage 3: Break-Up - Obsessor will not accept relationship is over; argues or discusses with ex-partner repeatedly
Stage 4: Stalking - ex-partner is no longer willing to see Obsessor, but Obsessor keeps trying to contact
Stage 5: Threats - intimidation, threatening, blackmail, etc
Stage 6: Violence - abduction, assault, murder and/or suicide

The obsessive behavior started after I broke up with her. I caught her on a date with another guy (at the time we had been dating for 2 years). After I broke things off she began telling people that I was threatening her. She told friends of mine and hers that I was driving past her house several times a day. On one occasion she told my best friend that I drove past her at a specific place the day before and pointed a gun at her. She was crying and hysterical when she told him this. He replied to her that he knew she was lying because he was in the car with me when I drove past her. Realizing that she had been caught she suddenly stopped crying, paused, then walked away. The people who witnessed this exchange were horrified, they all warned me to stay as far away as possible.
     Two years later (with really no contact during most of that time) she accused me of assaulting her at a disaster drill (we were both volunteers in the fire/ambulance corps). She registered a complaint with the ambulance company and wanted me terminated. Everyone found it odd that she didn't press criminal charges.
     I wrote her a certified letter and informed her of my intent to sue her for slander and the complaint dropped. Since then I've had no trouble with her. The whole thing was odd, I was being accused of stalking her when in reality she was stalking me.
     When all this first started everyone believed her and assumed I was doing everything she said. Luckily she made a few mistakes and took things over the top. Eventually people began to realize that she was a little nutty. Had she gone to the police I likely would have incurred legal expenses to keep myself out of jail and clear my name. It was a potentially dangerous ordeal for me.

My boyfriend broke up with his ex about a year ago. She still continued to believe they were on the verge on getting back together. Once he started dating me, he tried to explain he wanted to move on.
    She started calling him about twenty times a day. At all times of the day. She also sent txt messages throughout the day as well. She did this every day until he had to cancel his phone service and get a new number. This went on for about 4 weeks.
    She still calls his house or his friends to try to get in touch with him.
    She invents reasons to see him. She will tell him she needs to return a book to him, or a shot glass or she needs him to look at her car.
    She goes to his place of work once every 3 or 4 days to talk to him and to try to "win" him back.
    She has even followed him in her car when he was with me one night.
    She has threatened to assault me and to find out where I live.
    She claims she is pregnant with his child and has said that she hopes she is pregnant so that she can screw up his life.
    She has told me that he was hers and I have no right to date him.
    She continues to try to get in contact with him to reconcile even though he's been blunt about not wanting anything to do with her.
    She just ignores everything he says and pretends like they're just having a fight and continues to try to see him at least 2 times a week.
    It's been a month since we started dating and she's still harassing and stalking him. Things just keep getting worse and she continues to escalate things.
    She has already gone to the doctor about being pregnant and her test came back negative, but she wants another one done in a month because she refuses to believe that she is not pregnant.

 

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